Today is Good Friday, and while most people just thank God for sending Jesus to die so their sins could be forgiven because it's what they are supposed to do, I have spent most of my day feeling separated from everyone. After realizing this week that my whole life I have identified myself as being a person who is needed by others, not saying that to sound conceited, because I was able to be strong and encouragement to others when they needed it. In fact I prided myself in being able to lift others spirits when life got hard for them. For the first time in life, no one in my life needs me. As you can tell an identity crisis is in my midst. Being needed has always been something to give me fulfillment, and now that no one "needs" me, I have for a little bit of time been feeling more and more alone. Weird how you can be in a crowd of people, and feel misplaced. Btw, I am not typing all this to be a complete downer, but to share the raw revelation I received today while crying in my loneliness.
Earlier this week, I got the chance to sit with a gentleman by the name of Jesse who saw me sitting alone in a cafe while waiting on Haylee to get out of class. It was in that very moment that I was observing all the groups around me again feeling sorry for myself for being alone, that he just randomly walked up and asked if he could sit with me (and for those of you wondering he wasn't hitting on me) But he just sat and asked if I were staff at YWAM or whether I just happened upon the cafe. After some time, I shared what brought me to Jacksonville Beach, and that I was waiting on my sister who was in the DTS. After a period of talking we got on the topic at hand of "loneliness" and he reminded me that when I feel lonely to think of Jesus, when he said it I heard it but it hadn't quite hit the heart of what he meant, until today...
From the Garden of Gethsemane to the point of crucifixion on the Cross He was completely separated from all He loved, yet He was more connected to them than He ever could have been. One specific verse I want to point out is the moment right before His earthly body finally let go, Matthew 27:46 "About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice saying, "Eli, Eli Lama Sabachthani?" that is "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?""
It was the one and only time He was separated from Father God. Imagine the heartbreak, in fact that is what is said to have caused His death in John 19:34 " But one of the soldiers pierced His side with a spear, and immediately blood and water came out." Scientifically that explains events caused by a heart attack.
Though loneliness is in many ways painful, a few things I am able to remember is:
1. God will never leave me. (Duet. 31:6)
2. Remember Christ's sufferings (Col.1:24)
3. Loneliness can bring great growth and triumphs in God. It is in those moments where complete reliance on God is all you have and all you need, and that truly is the best place to be.
FYI, couple things that happened this week that may been seen as small, but were huge blessings...
1. My right turn signal went out on the drive down to FL, since I had to take Haylee to the airport this morning, I went yesterday to get it fixed. After a couple of stops I had to to go to an actual car shop where I just knew they were going to charge for the bulb and for the labor to replace it. Expecting about $20, the guy comes back in and says "O.K. you're set." I asked "how much is it?" He replied with "oh, you're fine you don't have to pay anything." I left in complete amazement and thankfulness.
2. Again at Cafe 119, a girl that I had met (one of Jesse's, whom I mentioned earlier, students) Melanie handed me a $15 gift card to a frozen yogurt shop, when I asked her "what's this for?" she just replied "I felt like I was supposed to get it for you." (seriously one of my favorite desserts)
3. At 2:30 p.m. yesterday I went for a job interview at Sherwin Williams (where the beach is visible from), I walked in the manager gave me a tour of the store, which took a total of 3 minutes because it's a small store and he said "well, I knew I was going to hire you before you even walked in the store, so you want to fill out paperwork?" (Note: they are hiring me in hopes that I'll be third key pretty quickly.)
All of the things in this blog from beginning to end are complete testimony of our God working in our lives in soo many different ways. The most important, being the transformation of our hearts. Though I am still not completely in tune to my full purpose down here, I do know God is showing me His faithfulness, and that He has never left me.
Happy Easter!
