I'm not the first to seek fulfillment

Today as Baylee (the little one I watch) is down for a nap I have been riddled with all kinds of thoughts plaguing my mind.

After reading through the letters of Thessalonians, I only am made more aware of those weaknesses within my life, because they were a congregation that set a great example. I've noticed by focusing more on my lack in life, I've missed growing closer to the one and only thing that brings fulfillment, Jesus.

Last week while my friends were here, we had many different discussions one of which again being the discussion of marriage (which I talked about in my last blog).

I feel that as a single woman in her late 20's watching all the younger friends (and many who I baby sat at one point in their lives) get married, have children, and settling down it tends to be quite a distraction that I have to fight daily and lately, it's been more of a losing battle. Where I should be seeing my singleness as such a luxury and a gift, I am instead viewing it as lack and allowing my insecurities to kick in.

It's amazing how when you allow yourself to get into a place of idleness in your walk with the Lord, you begin to doubt if your call on your life is just that. Settling becomes more of a reality, distractions become more frequent and honestly you don't have as much of a peace and calmness within your life.   The search begins for what can bring you comfort, satisfaction, joy, and worth. The real thing I need to realize is that this crazy desire for husband, though it's not a wrong desire to have, at this point in time is more driven from my lack of intimacy with Jesus. Through examining my heart deeper to know why. I asked, am I comparing my life to others? Am I trying to fill my loneliness with people? And is this what the Lord is speaking to me and directing me to look at in my life? None the less, there is a choice I have to make in allowing God to fill every crevice of my heart.

A while back the Lord I feel put on my heart to refrain from watching "Chic Flicks." For a long time I did that, I was so much more content. I wasn't looking for my possible husband in every guy I met, and I was blessed with new amazing friendships with women, which I know was such a blessing. Over the last few months, I have made excuses up about why it's ok for me to watch them. What has it done? 1. Filled my mind with false reality of relationships. 2. Made the desire for a significant other heighten, and even fueled jealousy/envy of those who do have relationships. 3. Distracted me from learning about true love and relationship from the only one even holding the rights to teaching me about this subject, Jesus. 4. Put me in a place of disobedience. Doesn't the Lord know whats best for me? So you know I'm not saying that everyone should have the same convictions as me, but I am saying there are things in all of our lives that give us false identity and realities that keep us from deepening our relationships with God. I don't want that for myself. I want to be taught by the Lord, who I am to be as a woman and one day a wife and mother. Until then I need to seek my contentment in him and him alone. He puts relationships with people in my life for a reason, and I need to trust him above all else. I know all my life I've been a fixer, and I've tried to fix others and myself, but how can one who is broken try to fix anyone else? Yeah, you got it, it's impossible. I need Jesus. I need Jesus. I need Jesus!

I know this may not be very insightful to some of you, but this is my heart. This is reality in choosing my Heavenly Father. My heart is broken that I would choose anything over Him! I hope that in some way you can relate to the reality and constant reminder of how black hearted we the human race really are! I hope that if you are seeking fulfillment you know you aren't the first person:

Romans 3:9-25

"What then? Are we Jews any better off? No, not at all. For we have already charged that all, both Jews and Greeks, are under sin, as it is written:

"None is righteous, no, not one;

no one understands;

no one seeks for God.

All have turned aside;

together have become worthless;

no one does good,

not even one."

Their throat is an open grave they use their tongues to deceive.

The venom of asps is under their lips

Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness

Their feet are swift to shed blood;

in their paths are ruin and misery,

and the way of peace they have not known

There is no fear of God before their eyes."

Now we know that whatever the law says it speaks to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be stopped and the whole world may be held accountable to God. For by works of the law no human being will be justified in his sight, since through the law comes knowledge of sin.

But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it-- the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction; for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood to be received by faith."

See, we need Jesus! Through him we ARE fulfilled!

Food, Friends, Marriage Talk and Jesus

Me, Jenna, Lili, and Emily on a ferry to Amelia Island

It's Monday morning, and I'm reflecting on how incredible of a weekend I just finished. It was a weekend filled with quality time with some of the most incredible woman I could have been blessed with as friends. In 2012 I moved to Jacksonville Beach, FL having almost no connections within the city, I had no job, no church, no family and very few friends there (other than the incredible Young family.) I knew that if I was going to have to be ok living there, I would need to find a church and make some friends. I went to a church service with the Young's on Easter and it was amazing to see over 40 people get baptized within the one service. This is just the start of the blessing I would receive from this congregation. After that service I immediately emailed to get plugged in to a small group. Very soon after I received an email from the leader of the group Emily, who would later become one of my best friends I could ever have. I met this group of women and they welcomed me in with open arms. Though many came and went there was a group of 4 of us that remained the same. Emily, Jenna, Lili and I not only laughed and enjoyed each others company, but we have sharpened each other and gotten to see the Lord work in and through our friendship.

Emily, me, and Jenna this weekend

In June 2013, I moved back to Tennessee to work within another school offered through the organization of Youth With a Mission. Though I know it was the Lord's leading, it has been a very difficult time in my life because all of my best friends were so far from where I was. I seriously had to learn (and still am learning) to rely on God as my friend, my companion, my fulfillment and my love. Though I've had good friends here in Tennessee, I know the Lord gave me those women as a gift and couldn't wait to have time with them again when I moved back to Jax Beach.

Due to many different reason I've not returned back to Jax Beach, so it had been almost 8 months since seeing my dear friends. This weekend put to end the wait of seeing my friends Jenna, and Emily as they flew in to Nashville to visit me for the weekend (and Lili will be flying in this next month). It was filled with so much laughter, food, and unforgettable dancing. We made the decision that it would be more about quality time than what we did. So we were never rushed and took our time to just enjoy every

Sopapilla Cheesecake

moment from sitting in the apartment and chatting to listening to the incredible musicians at BBKings Blues Bar, we couldn't have asked for a better time.

Along with the adventurous trips to Nashville, and eating in many different restaurants our conversations were something to be cherished. One common thread through a lot of our conversation was "marriage," from what we want in our husbands to what  does biblical marriage look like. It was funny even the sermon at church this weekend consisted of a man's and woman's role within marriage. It was nice to chat with women in the same shoes as me and hear her perspective and even that we are sharing in the battle, and questions.

Time finally came to say goodbye after church but of course we had to end with more food, and another trip to Opryland hotel to waste a little time before they had to check in to the airport. So Thai food it was. Can we say delicious? But while at Opryland Hotel we just were wandering in and out of the stores when all of a sudden two men walked by one dressed in a centurion outfit and the other dressed as Jesus. They so kindly waived to us. But Emily and I decided we didn't want to just let them pass without getting a picture with them. So Haylee and Jenna following closely behind us while Emily and I literally were running after "Jesus." We finally reached them and asked if they'd be willing to take a picture with us and they very kindly accepted. By the way, they weren't just weirdos ha, they worked as characters within the Holy Land Experience in Orlando, FL. After taking the picture I got to ask them if they were truly believers in Christ and their response was "I don't know how we could even think of playing the roles we play without having an active relationship with the Lord." They followed by asking us a few questions that lead to me sharing what the Lord has called me to. What was cool, is that after they heard the gentleman dressed as Jesus then asked if he could pray a blessing over my life and calling. Yes, he was just a man, but that's the point, his heart was in service to the Lord. While he prayed he prayed protection over my heart and purity, and prayed for my "helpmate."Again tying into that thread through the weekend. Can I say how much of a blessing it was?

Well, now it's Monday like I said earlier and I to get my morning started read from "My Utmost for His Highest," and today it talked about sacrifice. Again taking me to the thought about marriage. But this time look at the relationship between God and his Bride. What a perfect example! Oswald chambers said "I don't throw my life away, but I willingly and deliberately lay it down for Him and His interests in other people," referring to John 15:13. This has always been my perspective on my relationship with the Lord, that when you love someone you want to lay down your life in service/sacrifice. In fact, Emily and I even discussed these exact things being the same in marriage, that selfishness is one of the main reasons marriages fail today.

Last group picture of the weekend: Emily, Haylee, me, and Jenna

So to wrap up, I hope that I can do just that. Give up my life in service to others. I know there is still so much selfish habits in my life and I pray the Lord will continue to teach me to mold me into the woman he made me to be, so I can be prepared for the gift of marriage.

I am thankful that Jesus did allow me to discuss some of the thoughts on marriage this weekend through quality time with friends while eating good food. :)