Raw Emotion Realization

So I have been in Jacksonville for about 1 week and today is significant and most of the day I haven't even thought about why it is soo important.

Today is Good Friday, and while most people just thank God for sending Jesus to die so their sins could be forgiven because it's what they are supposed to do, I have spent most of my day feeling separated from everyone. After realizing this week that my whole life I have identified myself as being a person who is needed by others, not saying that to sound conceited, because I was able to be strong and encouragement to others when they needed it. In fact I prided myself in being able to lift others spirits when life got hard for them. For the first time in life, no one in my life needs me. As you can tell an identity crisis is in my midst. Being needed has always been something to give me fulfillment, and now that no one "needs" me, I have for a little bit of time been feeling more and more alone. Weird how you can be in a crowd of people, and feel misplaced. Btw, I am not typing all this to be a complete downer, but to share the raw revelation I received today while crying in my loneliness.

Earlier this week, I got the chance to sit with a gentleman by the name of Jesse who saw me sitting alone in a cafe while waiting on Haylee to get out of class. It was in that very moment that I was observing all the groups around me again feeling sorry for myself for being alone, that he just randomly walked up and asked if he could sit with me (and for those of you wondering he wasn't hitting on me) But he just sat and asked if I were staff at YWAM or whether I just happened upon the cafe. After some time, I shared what brought me to Jacksonville Beach, and that I was waiting on my sister who was in the DTS. After a period of talking we got on the topic at hand of "loneliness" and he reminded me that when I feel lonely to think of Jesus, when he said it I heard it but it hadn't quite hit the heart of what he meant, until today...

From the Garden of Gethsemane to the point of crucifixion on the Cross He was completely separated from all He loved, yet He was more connected to them than He ever could have been. One specific verse I want to point out is the moment right before His earthly body finally let go, Matthew 27:46 "About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice saying, "Eli, Eli Lama Sabachthani?" that is "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?""

It was the one and only time He was separated from Father God. Imagine the heartbreak, in fact that is what is said to have caused His death in John 19:34 " But one of the soldiers pierced His side with a spear, and immediately blood and water came out." Scientifically that explains events caused by a heart attack.

Though loneliness is in many ways painful, a few things I am able to remember is:

1. God will never leave me. (Duet. 31:6)

2. Remember Christ's sufferings (Col.1:24)

3. Loneliness can bring great growth and triumphs in God. It is in those moments where complete reliance on God is all you have and all you need, and that truly is the best place to be.

FYI, couple things that happened this week that may been seen as small, but were huge blessings...

1. My right turn signal went out on the drive down to FL, since I had to take Haylee to the airport this morning, I went yesterday to get it fixed. After a couple of stops I had to to go to an actual car shop where I just knew they were going to charge for the bulb and for the labor to replace it. Expecting about $20, the guy comes back in and says "O.K. you're set." I asked "how much is it?" He replied with "oh, you're fine you don't have to pay anything." I left in complete amazement and thankfulness.

2. Again at Cafe 119, a girl that I had met (one of Jesse's, whom I mentioned earlier, students) Melanie handed me a $15 gift card to a frozen yogurt shop, when I asked her "what's this for?" she just replied "I felt like I was supposed to get it for you." (seriously one of my favorite desserts)

3. At 2:30 p.m. yesterday I went for a job interview at Sherwin Williams (where the beach is visible from), I walked in the manager gave me a tour of the store, which took a total of 3 minutes because it's a small store and he said "well, I knew I was going to hire you before you even walked in the store, so you want to fill out paperwork?" (Note: they are hiring me in hopes that I'll be third key pretty quickly.)

All of the things in this blog from beginning to end are complete testimony of our God working in our lives in soo many different ways. The most important, being the transformation of our hearts. Though I am still not completely in tune to my full purpose down here, I do know God is showing me His faithfulness, and that He has never left me.

Happy Easter!

T - 6 days= ...

In T minus 6 days I move to Jacksonville Beach. Shocking!

This week I am trying not to get overwhelmed by everything that I need to do, and people that I want to see.

This weekend really got me thinking about everyone and everything here that I love, and thinking back to 2009 events.

2009 was an interesting year I had traveled to Brazil and felt the call to go back. It the midst of waiting for that day to come, I got the opportunity to serve in a local church very great, yet very different from my own. I didn't know how I was ever going to do the task that had been put in front of me to be the Interim Youth Director. In fact, I didn't know whether I even liked teenagers. None the less, I jumped in trusting that God had guided me to that point, and it was only by him I'd be able to complete the mission of teaching these very hurt youth to love and trust God again. In that short time, I made friendship with Bonnie/Mike Lilly that I didn't realize at that time would be such a huge relationship in my life today. I also didn't realize the impact I was making on those youth's lives. I went into the position knowing that October 4th I would be leaving to head back to Brazil.

The whole time I was serving I was looking forward to the next thing, and not realizing everything that was happening right around me. The day came for me to leave to move, and no one knew but I cried before entering my flight to leave: My family was in chaos, I truly loved my youth, those were among many other emotions that came flooding to the forefront. I truly questioned why God would send me away when I felt like people needed me at home. I went anyways.

While in Brazil, though I did get the chance to serve and teach, God taught me a lot, and a had a lot of time to be refreshed and separated from things that could have only caused me more harm. I look back now and realize Him sending me at the exact moment was perfect timing to grow/and strengthen for what I would come home to.

One great thing I came home to was Bonnie/Mike Lilly had left the church I was serving in and started attending my church Epiphany Baptist. Since I was a familiar face ( though I didn't truly know them) I made sure to talk to them every week. I am so thankful that I did! Bonnie Lilly has become like a second mom to me. I have been able to lean on her this past year and a half in ways that I could never explain. I feel in one way my time in that church was to develop the first initial connection with her. (I truly am soooo thankful for the Lilly's in many different ways, but that's a story for another day.)

Second thing, that I just recently realized, was the relationship and the impact I had on one particular youth. I just got the chance to meet with her for lunch, and she shared her heart, which of course blew me away! I am constantly shown how in every moment I should be reflecting God's love to others (though in many cases I find that hard to do). You don't realize the impact you could be having on an individual around you.

Now that I have thought backwards...lol... that brings me to why I have been thinking about the past. It is giving me strength to walk today.

This past weekend opened my eyes to the people and things I'm going to miss. I got to spend the whole weekend with family and friends celebrating my niece Zoey's 2nd birthday what included a party for her on Saturday and Veggie Tales Live on Sunday.

After her birthday party on Sunday, my heart was torn. I went back to asking God how can I leave now? I LOVE spending time with my niece and getting the opportunity any time I want to play with her. Also, I have become very close to my sister-in-law that is a friendship that I am soo thankful for. I want to get the chance to be with her too. The kids, and parents that were there also had me thinking about how much I don't want to not be apart of their lives. So needless to day I cried myself to sleep Saturday evening.

Then Sunday comes (though I was very excited to go see Veggie Tales Live) nothing could have prepared me for the heart ache that I would get when I went into lead Children's Worship for the last time for a while. They surprised me with miss you cards, and pictures they had colored for me. I fought back the tears, and instead jumped into worship and teaching them about obedience.

Sorry I am trying not to be long winded. But everything together hurts to think about leaving: family, friends, kiddos, ministry etc. Thinking back to God's perfect timing is what get's me through. So in t-6 days I leave to the unknown, but the past shows me that God is going to direct me and teach me, and I am sure that in the future I will look back to see the impact to huge step has made on others lives, as well as my life. This season to come I hope to not look forward to the future, but to be more aware of the happenings at this point in my life and what God is teaching now whether through me or to me.

On the Horizon

It's been a long time! But it's time to get back into the swing of things and share my thoughts,

and my conversations with God :)

Have you ever gotten that tug on your heart where you know it's time to go and things are about to drastically change in your life? That recently happened to me.

I have been working at Thomas Nelson Inc. for about 6 months now and when I got this job I thought, "Yay! I will finally be able to get my feet on the ground and maybe get my own apartment, and start my own life" thinking that is what would provide me contentment. Sadly, that plan I had for myself never seemed to ever present itself as a reality. Still struggling in many different facets of my life, and after hearing from many different people, that they thought it was time for me to go. I finally started to pray about the possibilities and what that would mean. Yes, I stopped planning my own life and started asking God for direction.

Well, He answered with a ton of bricks to my heart. I knew it was time to go, so what does this mean? Where should I go? I didn't want to go somewhere that I would have no support or ways to get plugged in. In my mind, I was like "ok, I'm moving, I will get a full time or a few part time jobs, wherever I go, so I can still try to continue paying off debt, and get my own apartment eventually." The location that seemed right was Jacksonville Beach, FL. I have connections down there, opportunities to get plugged in, and a place to stay for free. Note: at that exact time I would be going there, my best friends Sarah and Michael were going to be needing help. Michael will be departing to England for 6 weeks leaving Sarah and their twins by themselves for the time period. So my mind was made up, I was going, I was excited, and completely at peace about all of it. My family expressed no fears or worries, which made the decision even better. Not to mention I will possibly get to be apart of a ministry that is just like my dream ministry.

(FYI: In this process I wanted to make sure and go to all the people who were mentors, or leaders in my life and make sure I leave correctly, and respectfully.)

So the last mentor that I got to speak to was my Pastor David. Let's just say it went exactly how expected, but also in many ways was very painful. I left the meeting feeling confused, and doubting direction. I spent that evening, and the next 3 days in prayer in regards to the points that he had brought up, and seeking direction from God who would be the only one with wouldn't insert biases where they don't belong. Here is what I feel the Lord spoke.

1. I am supposed to go to Jacksonville Beach for at least 6 weeks to assist Sarah with their twins during the time that Michael is gone to England.

2. I am being called back into the missions field, and somehow Mumbai, India plays a roll. Scriptures that played into this, that when I read them during my quiet time gave me that uh huh moment: Romans 10:15, Isaiah 52.

3. That He is going to protect me: Psalm 121

So to summarize, what's on the horizon is that I am going to Jacksonville Beach April 1st knowing one thing, that God is going to direct me. Am I going to get a job... probably just so I can support myself for the time I'm down there, but it is looking like I am going to be going back on "faith-base" support living here in the upcoming future. I am looking/praying into the missions organization that is going to facilitate my getting back into the international field.

Stay tuned... I know this Journey is just beginning. And please be in prayer with me as I seek God's guidance.

"No one is good, not even one..."

Today as I was doing my quiet time I was reading through James. It seems to be a book of the bible the Lord is really wanting to teach me a lesson from. And in this book James is giving reminders of how the Christian Church is supposed to live. And just in the first 2 chapters I realized areas where I needed to repent and ask forgiveness for.

"God looked down from heaven,

on the sons of men

to see if there are any who understand

any who seek God.

Everyone has turned away

They have together became corrupt;

there is no one who does good, not even one"

Psalm 53:2-3

I realized I am constantly looking at people and not seeing anything but their exterior. I went to Walmart with family the other night and all I kept seeing were things to laugh at that people were wearing or how they presented themselves. Honestly not one "good" thing came out of my mouth. The sadder part about it is I didn't even realize it, and all I said was "what? I'm just honest." It wasn't until today that I realized what I was doing. I completely was neglecting that I am called to love not to judge others.

"Religion that is pure and undefiled

before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans

and widows in their afflictions, and

to keep oneself unstained from the world."

James 1:27

I was stained was looking through world binoculars. How sad it is how imperfect I am. But the blessing is that no matter how undeserving I am Christ's Grace is sufficient.

"But he gives us more grace,

That is why Scripture says;

'God opposes the proud

But give grace to the humble'"

James 4:6

So Lord please forgive me for judging people that I do not know, for looking at the exterior instead of the heart. Father I understand more and more everyday that I am truly nothing without you. So Lord please help me become clean, and help me to renew my mindset. I want it to be transformed, and you are the only one who can do that!

"Come near to God and he will come near to you, Wash your hands,

You sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

Grieve , mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning

and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord

And he will lift you up."

James 4:8-10

I know that I am not good. But through Christ I can be!

Car ride thoughts

I've been thinking...

There is no better place to think than when you are driving in a car by yourself. Actually, I find that in may cases I wind up turning off the music and I allow my wheels to turn, not just the wheels on the car. Tonight thats exactly what happened.

I got in the car and began thinking a listening. I was in a quiet place where I could just let the Lord speak. The best thing about him speaking is that normally he speaks on the constant theme that is turning in your mind. So for me, recently, I have been in a place of "waiting." And from what it sounds like it's a season that most of the people around me are in. Well, I don't know if you do this, but since I'm a thinker, I go through every possible circumstance and think of every possible outcome. It at times can drive a person crazy. So for me, it was nice to finally be in a place where I was able just to listen, and no joke the Lord spoke! This time I didn't turn off the music. I allowed it to be playing quietly in the background, and every song that came on just hit my heart. They were all about Trusting in the Lord. That he takes care of you, no matter how bad a circumstance. That he only has good for you. So fight the tears, while driving home, the Lord ministered to my heart.

At one point I drive past this church in Cedar Hill, TN and for some reason the book of the bible James popped into my head. So when I finally get home, I go to my room, and take my computer because I decided tonight is the night for me to start blogging. I get out my "My Utmost for His Highest" devotional and read the daily words, and actually while I am typing this I realize that i read the wrong day.. but it was no mistake because it really ministered to me. There was one sentence that really stood out to me; "The underlying foundation of Jesus Christ's kingdom is poverty, not possessions; not making decisions for Jesus, but having a sense of absolute futility that we finally admit, 'Lord, I cannot even begin to do it.'" And it's so funny because I has just been saying in the car, that absolutely nothing matters as much as God, that nothing is reliable other than God, and there is no way I could make through my life if I didn't have him. It's just a huge revelation!

But another thing is that it is a continual learning process that I can/have to rely/trust in God. Oh yeah remember how I said I felt like I was supposed to read in James? Well, I finally did... and it was no mistake for me to read it either.

James 1:2-4

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness, And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing."

It hit me while reading it, that the thing I have been praying for is to be whole, and one in the Lord. It was like a peace came over me, that the Lord was doing exactly what I have been praying for. That the refining he has been doing to me is the answer to my prayer for bringing closer to wholeness/oneness in Him. Wow! Isn't the Lord amazing. I am truly amazed by Him all the time. My prayer is that my eyes continue to be enlightened to Him in general, that I will continue to know Him more, and that I be open to whatever His will is for me! But this prayer is for you too! But you know, I'm just saying...