Today as Baylee (the little one I watch) is down for a nap I have been riddled with all kinds of thoughts plaguing my mind.
After reading through the letters of Thessalonians, I only am made more aware of those weaknesses within my life, because they were a congregation that set a great example. I've noticed by focusing more on my lack in life, I've missed growing closer to the one and only thing that brings fulfillment, Jesus.
Last week while my friends were here, we had many different discussions one of which again being the discussion of marriage (which I talked about in my last blog).
I feel that as a single woman in her late 20's watching all the younger friends (and many who I baby sat at one point in their lives) get married, have children, and settling down it tends to be quite a distraction that I have to fight daily and lately, it's been more of a losing battle. Where I should be seeing my singleness as such a luxury and a gift, I am instead viewing it as lack and allowing my insecurities to kick in.
It's amazing how when you allow yourself to get into a place of idleness in your walk with the Lord, you begin to doubt if your call on your life is just that. Settling becomes more of a reality, distractions become more frequent and honestly you don't have as much of a peace and calmness within your life. The search begins for what can bring you comfort, satisfaction, joy, and worth. The real thing I need to realize is that this crazy desire for husband, though it's not a wrong desire to have, at this point in time is more driven from my lack of intimacy with Jesus. Through examining my heart deeper to know why. I asked, am I comparing my life to others? Am I trying to fill my loneliness with people? And is this what the Lord is speaking to me and directing me to look at in my life? None the less, there is a choice I have to make in allowing God to fill every crevice of my heart.
A while back the Lord I feel put on my heart to refrain from watching "Chic Flicks." For a long time I did that, I was so much more content. I wasn't looking for my possible husband in every guy I met, and I was blessed with new amazing friendships with women, which I know was such a blessing. Over the last few months, I have made excuses up about why it's ok for me to watch them. What has it done? 1. Filled my mind with false reality of relationships. 2. Made the desire for a significant other heighten, and even fueled jealousy/envy of those who do have relationships. 3. Distracted me from learning about true love and relationship from the only one even holding the rights to teaching me about this subject, Jesus. 4. Put me in a place of disobedience. Doesn't the Lord know whats best for me? So you know I'm not saying that everyone should have the same convictions as me, but I am saying there are things in all of our lives that give us false identity and realities that keep us from deepening our relationships with God. I don't want that for myself. I want to be taught by the Lord, who I am to be as a woman and one day a wife and mother. Until then I need to seek my contentment in him and him alone. He puts relationships with people in my life for a reason, and I need to trust him above all else. I know all my life I've been a fixer, and I've tried to fix others and myself, but how can one who is broken try to fix anyone else? Yeah, you got it, it's impossible. I need Jesus. I need Jesus. I need Jesus!
I know this may not be very insightful to some of you, but this is my heart. This is reality in choosing my Heavenly Father. My heart is broken that I would choose anything over Him! I hope that in some way you can relate to the reality and constant reminder of how black hearted we the human race really are! I hope that if you are seeking fulfillment you know you aren't the first person:
After reading through the letters of Thessalonians, I only am made more aware of those weaknesses within my life, because they were a congregation that set a great example. I've noticed by focusing more on my lack in life, I've missed growing closer to the one and only thing that brings fulfillment, Jesus.
Last week while my friends were here, we had many different discussions one of which again being the discussion of marriage (which I talked about in my last blog).
I feel that as a single woman in her late 20's watching all the younger friends (and many who I baby sat at one point in their lives) get married, have children, and settling down it tends to be quite a distraction that I have to fight daily and lately, it's been more of a losing battle. Where I should be seeing my singleness as such a luxury and a gift, I am instead viewing it as lack and allowing my insecurities to kick in.
It's amazing how when you allow yourself to get into a place of idleness in your walk with the Lord, you begin to doubt if your call on your life is just that. Settling becomes more of a reality, distractions become more frequent and honestly you don't have as much of a peace and calmness within your life. The search begins for what can bring you comfort, satisfaction, joy, and worth. The real thing I need to realize is that this crazy desire for husband, though it's not a wrong desire to have, at this point in time is more driven from my lack of intimacy with Jesus. Through examining my heart deeper to know why. I asked, am I comparing my life to others? Am I trying to fill my loneliness with people? And is this what the Lord is speaking to me and directing me to look at in my life? None the less, there is a choice I have to make in allowing God to fill every crevice of my heart.
A while back the Lord I feel put on my heart to refrain from watching "Chic Flicks." For a long time I did that, I was so much more content. I wasn't looking for my possible husband in every guy I met, and I was blessed with new amazing friendships with women, which I know was such a blessing. Over the last few months, I have made excuses up about why it's ok for me to watch them. What has it done? 1. Filled my mind with false reality of relationships. 2. Made the desire for a significant other heighten, and even fueled jealousy/envy of those who do have relationships. 3. Distracted me from learning about true love and relationship from the only one even holding the rights to teaching me about this subject, Jesus. 4. Put me in a place of disobedience. Doesn't the Lord know whats best for me? So you know I'm not saying that everyone should have the same convictions as me, but I am saying there are things in all of our lives that give us false identity and realities that keep us from deepening our relationships with God. I don't want that for myself. I want to be taught by the Lord, who I am to be as a woman and one day a wife and mother. Until then I need to seek my contentment in him and him alone. He puts relationships with people in my life for a reason, and I need to trust him above all else. I know all my life I've been a fixer, and I've tried to fix others and myself, but how can one who is broken try to fix anyone else? Yeah, you got it, it's impossible. I need Jesus. I need Jesus. I need Jesus!
I know this may not be very insightful to some of you, but this is my heart. This is reality in choosing my Heavenly Father. My heart is broken that I would choose anything over Him! I hope that in some way you can relate to the reality and constant reminder of how black hearted we the human race really are! I hope that if you are seeking fulfillment you know you aren't the first person:
Romans 3:9-25
"What then? Are we Jews any better off? No, not at all. For we have already charged that all, both Jews and Greeks, are under sin, as it is written:
"None is righteous, no, not one;
no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
All have turned aside;
together have become worthless;
no one does good,
not even one."
Their throat is an open grave they use their tongues to deceive.
The venom of asps is under their lips
Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness
Their feet are swift to shed blood;
in their paths are ruin and misery,
and the way of peace they have not known
There is no fear of God before their eyes."
Now we know that whatever the law says it speaks to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be stopped and the whole world may be held accountable to God. For by works of the law no human being will be justified in his sight, since through the law comes knowledge of sin.
But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it-- the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction; for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood to be received by faith."
See, we need Jesus! Through him we ARE fulfilled!
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