Perfect Example

In the last few weeks I seriously have been being taken into a deeper understanding of who God is and in turn my identity has been being revealed. But this last week I received an understanding of God in such a way that I've never before seen.

Let me first start by saying I'm by nature a "fixer." I like to overcome obstacles and see individuals set free. Which in the right context is great, I can be someone who champions,  calls out truth, and identity in others because even when a person is what people would call "a bad person" I still see who they could be if surrendered to Christ. Well, in my past this gift has been very taken advantage of by men I have had relationships with. It would start by me seeing a need and trying to fill it, and in turn because of the confusion of my compassion I would develop an attraction to the person they could be instead of the reality of where they were. I wasn't just acting as their girlfriend in all honesty I was their "mother." So now here I am pouring every ounce of me into a relationship and receiving nothing back in turn. Some people respond by treating others the same way as their are being treated and looking for love from other people, but not me. I responded by pursuing them even more. I would fight for their attention anything they wanted or asked of me I would do. I mean anything. There are so many scenarios within the relationships that were unhealthy, but let me jump now to what I realized about my relationship with God and what I desire for my relationship with God. 

In the time of reflecting on my past relationships (which in actuality in the class was literally only 30 seconds maybe, because I knew the whole backstory already) I understood God's pursuit of me and it was incredibly convicting. God is wholeheartedly pursuing me and YOU. He always has, is now, and always will be. For the first time because of the memory of my pursuit of others love I could literally see what it looked like. No God doesn't do unhealthy things, but he will do whatever it takes to grab our attentions. He is the pursuer of our hearts. He aches when we, his children, turn from him and choose to give our attentions else where.

Sadly, that means I make his heart ache often.

You see what I realized is that in my relationship with God I'm very close to doing the same thing most of my ex's did to me, but to the purest, unconditional lover of my soul! The one difference is, I want to change. I want to give him more of my love, I want to know him more, I want to know what brings him joy, and what makes him hurt. Truly I want to respond to him the way he responds to me. He doesn't deserve only part of me, he is worth everything I could ever have to offer. I could live the rest of my life loving to the fullest of my ability and it still wouldn't amount to what he deserves. But in his Grace he joins me and walks with me as I am learning to die to self. Like this scripture

 Psalm 27:4

Or the song "This is My Desire," I do desire to give my full heart, and my full attention and I know that is the exact journey the Lord has me on, and I am so thankful I have him as a perfect example.